Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

   Damn, I wish I had a structured settlement so I could get cash now!

   If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

   Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are going to merge and become one company. Their new name will be "Titty Titty Bang Bang."

   if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry

   Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 different manufacturers, each of whom was the lowest bidder? Anyways, have safe flight when you head home for Thanksgiving!

   Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

   Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never smpathized more with women in my life.

   It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

   I thought I liked movies but it turns out I just like eating candy in dark rooms where no one can talk to me

   According to Pinterest, I'm severely under-utilizing mason jars.

   My neighbors kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.

   All these people running around with masks on.... Made in China

   When the Eagles wrote the lyric "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device," they weren't kidding. Posted from my iPhone

   Show her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   I'm not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

   hey teens, you think you're angry now, wait until you have to buy your own toilet paper

   Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies..

   We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It's a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.