Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Fellas; If your fiancé designs her own engagement ring, prepare for a life of sex on your birthday and holidays only.

   In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.

   Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.

   "Let me put you in a better mood" - vodka

   The scariest thing about dating is that you either break-up or get married.

   Facebook keeps offering to find my friends for me. Good luck, Facebook! See if you can find my dad while you're at it.

   Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers.

   If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.

   I talk a lot about sex for someone who doesn’t remember it.

   I still remember the time when I was working at a zoo and my boss fired me simply because I left the lion's gate unlocked, I mean who can steal a lion.

   I'm not a stalker, I'm just a self-appointed and unpaid private investigator.

   I wonder who vodka helped me insult last night.

   If your boss says we have to be more flexible in this department be afraid. Be very afraid.

   Lies I'll never stop telling my boss: No you're not bothering me Yes I'll meet the deadline Facebook? Never heard of it!

   I get all the cardio I need by digging my own grave.

   Money aside, what do you wish you had more of?All the money that you've pushed to the side

   Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.

   Blind belief is so often the death of reason.

   Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.

   Does Facebook realize when they put us in Facebook jail, they're separating us from our families?