GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes you have to sit back and play the role of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

   BREAKING NEWS: So according to my calendar, today is National Alien Abduction Day. In other words, the government has been lying to us. There are aliens! Lol

   I got a job sketching suspects at the police station. I'm a con artist!

   The next time you visit someone with an Alexa, secretly say, "Alexa, set 3am alarm with horror movie sound effects".

   Not funny... We sprung forward so hard we are back in winter!

   Marriage tip: If you need to ask your husband a question, but he's playing video games, simply unplug the wireless router. This will teach him that he needs to listen to you, and keep you as the center of his life.

   Whoever said, "Out of sight, out of mind" never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.

   I swear all I do is work, come home, blink, and then I'm back at work again.

   I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   Marriage tip: If your wife just won't stop talking, just remind her that it is her job to be seen and NOT heard. After all, as the husband, your opinion is the only one that matters anyways.

   Post the four words every girl wants whispered in her ear.

   I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I remember when this was all farmland.

   A man and his wife went to Israel and decided to pick a boat to see the beauty of the river Jordan. When the man asked the boatman how much it will cost them, he said $500. The man shouted, "No wonder Jesus decided to walk on the sea."

   Just heard that Lady Gaga will be performing a concert in outer space this summer. I think it's really sweet of her to do a concert right in her own hometown.

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, "The customer with the most money".

   Due to popular demand, the Kansas City Chiefs are changing their name to the Kansas City Swifties.

   My boss asked me to write down two things I liked about my job. Apparently lunch time and quitting time are not the right answers.

   Everybody's a little bit crazy... It's just that some of us aren't afraid to take it out for a walk in public.

   It's finally October! Which means all of the cobwebs and dust in my house just became Halloween decorations.