Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks

   Why is it that losing with dignity and grace is no longer the right thing to do?

   45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on

   Alexa laughing and refusing to obey instructions? Better start working on your reasons to live for our new robot overlords

   If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.

   That awkward moment in a business meeting when your boss tells you to "Quit clicking that damn pen!" but you need to click it one more time to write with it.

   "i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse

   Why does the MSM keep referring to the Parkland shooting as a "senseless tragedy"? I mean, come on. Is there any such thing as a "sensible tragedy"? It's a tragedy; just leave it at that.

   Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China

   I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.

   Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

   What this country needs is more unemployed politicians....

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   I’d rather see a woman who smoked a joint represent the USA in the Olympics than one who turns her back on the flag. I said what I said.

   People that get, “the most votes in history” don’t raid their opponent’s homes. But election stealers do.