Funny Status Messages
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No matter how many times I've been done wrong, I'll continue to be faithful, honest, and loving; sooner or later someone will appreciate it. 
Apparently,, re-enacting scenes from "Deadliest Catch" are frowned upon at Red Lobster.
Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm always drunk when I do it.
I just hung a stocking by my chimney but instead of using "care" I hung it with total disregard for human safety.
Apparently "Because I'm smoking hot" is not the CORRECT answer to "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
I don't give a sh*t how many of my FB friends liked "Walmart" ur just not gonna convice me to hit that button!
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible
What kind of Leader says and does nothing about Nation Wide Riots?
Manti Te'o should change his relationship status on Facebook to "It's Complicated"
In other news, millions of Facebook users suddenly get their law degrees.
Remember ladies; When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.
Attractive girls are always the most insecure. While these Shrek looking bit$hes, walk around thinking their the s$it.
i dont mean to brag ...but I just finished a whole chap stick without losing it
To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
The girl at CVS asked if I wanted to "hang out and wait for my prescription" I told her I don't even know you and besides I have a girlfriend
If you are going to cheat, make sure she isn't wearing glitter.
Apparently, "I had an interview with a better company" is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
For those of you who don't know me, we haven't met yet.
If you see one of those people on the street swearing & muttering to themselves be nice, it's probably me trying to remember my passwords.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t. 