GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Marriage tip: Make sure your wife always accommodates to your needs. "Honey, when you finish using the bathroom, you need to put the toilet seat back up".

   When I say, "I hate drama" I mean I hate being involved in drama. Other people's drama? Big fan!!!

   What a lucky week! First I win the lottery, and then some relatives I'd lost contact with got in touch.

   A true friend is someone who knows how crazy you are and is still willing to be seen in public with you.

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on.

   I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

   If you unfriend me and then later decide to send me another friend request, there will be a $29.99 reconnection fee.

   Marriage tip: When your wife is getting angry at you, just put your finger on her lips and say, "shhhhh". She will then consider the consequences of her actions, and calm down. And then she'll go make you a sandwich.

   Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac?

   I bet aliens ride past earth and lock their doors.

   Marriage tip: If your wife won't let you play games with the boys at night, do something to make her mad. That way she tells you to sleep on the couch. That way you can play games with the boys at night.

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for Christmas ! The old vacuum cleaner is gonna run like new now .

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say yes. Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   I think it's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Walmart" is a hit reality show.

   The officer asked, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" And we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

   Now that I've gotten older I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink or dessert. Then I'd sit back and watch the madness unfold at every table.

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   Marriage tip: When your wife says you're only coming in to get one thing, always grab a cart, because she's lying. Follow me for more marriage advice.

   I kept staring at the orange juice carton too long because it said "Concentrate"!