Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Roses are red, April is grey, I hope we can leave our houses by may.

   Ladies, even in social distancing, men exaggerate. They'll claim it's six feet, but it's really only three.

   Somewhere out there, is an English teacher waiting 4 school to reopen so that she can give students an essay topic how I spend my lockdown

   I'm convinced that to become a realtor, the only required skill is to be able to look nothing like you do on your business card.

   Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

   I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

   Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

   If you smoke weed before an eating contest, are you technically on performance enhancing drugs?

   Now is the worst possible time to catch someone’s drift.

   I'm not afraid to admit it. It's time like these that I like go to my "special place", and caress my emotional support firearms.

   I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

   Has anyone tried going back to the ice bucket challenge to fix 2020?

   I’d like to see a commercial where the wife receives a brand new Lexus on Christmas morning and the she turns to her husband and says "You idiot! WTF is the matter with you? We can’t afford a Lexus!"

   This whole Santa should have no gender is crap. Here is how you know Santa is a man. He shows up late, eats your cookie, empties his sack, comes only once, calls you a Ho and leaves while you're asleep.

   I accidentally walked into the women's room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn't be awkward.

   I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator!

   I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

   My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles once . For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

   Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

   I knew I was going bald when it took longer and longer to wash my face.