GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers: What exactly is the plan if you find one?

   Marriage tip #10: Whenever your wife can't decide where she wants you to take her out to eat, take her to her least favorite restaurant, and then order her her least favorite food item. From then on out, she will at least always give you an option.

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, the customer with the most money.

   Well, it's July and almost 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now!

   I couldn't get a reservation at my local library. They were booked!!!

   Just a reminder: Walmart will be closed on Christmas Day so both cashiers can be with their families.

   To save time, let's just assume I'm never wrong.

   I had a dream I was at work. I woke up and called in because I ain't working twice.

   Welcome to social media! A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly.

   Marriage tip: When your wife is sitting in her chair, scrolling through Tiktok, just ask her why the house has not been cleaned up yet and why she is sitting there, like a bum, doing nothing!

   I've got people who love me because I'm me. I've got people who hate me for the same reason!

   If I block you on social media and you see me in public, the block still applies in real life.

   Memorizing pot hole locations is a must where I'm from.

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

   I'm a firm believer that every traffic jam begins with one idiot.

   People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer per day.

   I had a thought, and then I had another thought. They bounced off each other and now I can't find either one.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

   Marriage tip: If your wife is slumming it around the house, just use your "Male-dominated voice" to tell her to get up, and get to work. She will respect you, and get up and do her job.

   I was watching a TV show on the top ten ways to avoid a shark attack. I was shocked to hear that "stay out of the water" wasn't number one.