Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go ahead 'like' my day!

   I don't have A.D.D.. you're just boring me.

   I feel like my co-workers are family. I don't like spending time with my family either.

   Dead fish washed onto "Jersey Shore" cast's beach. The slimy, oft-horizontal twitching creatures say they feel bad for the fish....

   I read where the main Ingredient of Viagra was Miracle Grow and Fit-A-Flat....

   sometimes You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

   This is some bullish!t. My leg fell asleep before me... :(

   annoying you with status updates for her own entertainment.

   woke up really really really early today just to post on facebook "i've beaten my alarmclock today"

   Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

   "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits"

   if I throw a stick will you leave

   Every once in a while you should get a check up...on who your real friends are.

   FYI: If someone says "I'm game," you can legally shoot them. You should probably check your state and local hunting regulations though...

   n't it ironic that to be popular on social networks, you have to sacrifice your social life.

   When is it considered to early to start drinking...cause I think I'm 4 hrs behind!!!

   When someone asks a dumb question it's really hard to not reply with a sarcastic answer

   I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."---Hedberg Classic :)

   Life's best lessons are learned at the worst times.

   If You Use Pinesol in A Pine Forest Is It Unscented?