Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do not accept a Friend Request from Lizzie Borden. You will get hacked.

   My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

   Not to brag but you’ll never have to tell me to slow down.

   My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!

   When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.

   I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

   "The New York marathon was found to be a more efficient way to get around the city."

   I think I turned back my clock way too much I just saw a guy with a mullet at Starbucks.

   All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money

   Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

   Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.

   For once, I'd like to hear someone go "Yeah, I CAN believe it's already August....The time seems to be moving at the appropriate speed."

   I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.

   A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"

   I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...

   In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder

   If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.

   Seeing a Camel Toe on a pair of leopard-print tights in Wal-mart is as close as I will ever get to going on an African safari.

   My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

   You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.