Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   Dancing in the 70's: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at

   If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.

   If you millenials want to know what it was like to talk on a payphone, just lick the handle of a grocery cart.

   does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   I've just bought the personalized number plate baa baa. For my black jeep.

   Wait till they realize that Frosty has no pants and smokes a pipe in front of children.

   Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.

   Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)

   It's so cold Richard Simmons started wearing pants

   A fun thing to do is to call someone & say "HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE"

   I only buy extra virgin olive oil...Because I don't know where those other oils have been.

   Remember friends, You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your July4th cookout.

   *spills one drop of maple syrup (entire house is sticky for the next decade)

   In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.

   Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.

   EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .