GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong", do not under any, I mean any circumstances do it.

   Marriage tip: Anytime you tell your wife to do something, use your Male-dominated voice and finish it by saying "I HAVE SPOKEN!!!" She will then realize that you are always right, and she will go do what you asked her to do.

   If you honk at me .025 seconds after the light turns green I'm going to put my vehicle in park, adjust my seat, check my tire pressure, change my oil, return some emails, eat a snack, read a book, brush my teeth, nap, and build a LEGO set.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket and that you're a really good catch!

   I think we should cancel April Fools this year. There is no prank topping reality.

   Marriage tip 101: It is very important that your wife understands Commandment Number 1 in regards to marriage: "Thou shalt not nag". As soon as she understands this, she will grow in her duties and responsibilities as a wife.

   Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointing away from earth?

   Sometimes I think Facebook needs a "Slap you in the Face" button.

   Marriage tip: If your wife says she's only getting two things at the store, don't believe her. She's lying!

   The problem with autocorrect is that it often makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless and to humor the disturbed.

   Let me get this straight; a fat man who breaks and enters into my home, who steals all my Christmas cookies, is the one who judges if I'm naughty or nice?

   When I say your slow, I mean that you are as fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter. That's slow!

   Toilet was stolen out of city hall yesterday. Police say they have nothing to go on.

   The clocks go back this weekend. Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries.

   There are scams all over the internet! Send me just $19.95 and I'll show you how to avoid them!

   Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.

   Please keep your dogs and children quiet in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night setting off fireworks. Thank you!