Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.

   My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.

   People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

   if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.

   The San Francisco Giants visited an orphanage in Mexico last week. "It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 6.

   Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink

   I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories

   I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.

   My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

   I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March?

   My paycheck came in the mail the other day. There was a sprig of parsley inside. Someone had garnished my wages.

   Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done this year...

   I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

   The Buccaneers perfectly captured the spirit of Tampa Bay by their feature player being a middle aged man who spent his career in the northeast and then moved to Florida to retire.

   Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word

   I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

   And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

   Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”

   The Amish powerball is up to 200 chickens & a goat.