Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Which fast food place has the softest napkins? Asking for a friend.

   The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.

   I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

   If you are here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”

   Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.

   You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen

   Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...

   Today's tip of the Day: When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

   Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same.

   I've heard a lot about Karen lately but what about Felicia. Did she finally leave?

   I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

   Pro Tip: Adopt a retired drug dog to help find fun friends at parties.

   Remember, after the police have been defunded and you have to shoot intruders, call 811 before you dig. It's the law.

   Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

   That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

   Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”