Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   got kicked out of a shop.....it said "wet floor"on the sign...so I did....

   i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand

   I need a girlfriend, I am exhausterbated.

   Seriously, "BFF" I've haven't spoken to in 4 months, you deleted me on Facebook?? It only took me a month to notice. I thought we were tight

   fed up with all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my penis, particularly since I'm a woman...so I've forwarded them to my ex.

   Shaquille O' Neal in green? Anyone else thinking Shrek?

   Nothing will get a skinny white girl on the dancefloor quicker than "Baby Got Back."

   Facebook is the ultimate weapon of couples' distraction and relationships' destruction

   Just got my jury duty check. Time to cash this bad boy and rock the sh*t out of the dollar store! Woooo!

   Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.

   when I was younger I thought it was so important that I impress my peers, now that I am older it is amazing how much those people really don't matter.

   There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Ones who make things happen, ones who watch things happen, and ones who wondered what happened.....

   I've gone to bed like 6 times tonight and I've ended up on Facebook every time.

   You were born as an original. Don't die as a copy

   Fact: If a person thinks they're big enough to stick their nose in someone else's buisness, be big enough to take it when it gets bitten off!

   Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

   If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.

   Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

   Many Jägerbombs = (Good Times + Memory Loss) / (Loss of Balance - Contents of Stomach * Hangover^115)

   currently in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.