Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know there are idiot Savants, but are there Savant idiots ?.. Because lately stupid people sure do think they are smart !

   Don't come to me for advice.. we'll end up buying a bottle.

   Maybe it's the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.

   Why are Zoey and Zoe pronounced the same way but Joey and Joe aren't?

   Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"

   My boss wants to send me for training in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.

   A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.

   Somebody needs to start a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.

   If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store?

   Young people will wait longer in a self-scan isle at the grocery store so they don’t have to deal with humans, but old people will wait longer in a regular lane so they don’t have to deal with computers.

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, all you've lost is a regular pigeon.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.

   Why do baby clothes have pockets ?

   PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.

   Based on the amount of laundry I do, I'm pretty sure there are people living here that I haven't met yet...

   Three more pension checks and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

   A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

   I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.