GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I sure hope you like your Christmas gift... It's a year's supply of me!

   I just realized why this month is called May. It may rain, it may snow, it may be 70 degrees or it may be 20 degrees.

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   I really used to hate speed bumps. But now I'm slowly getting over them.

   Cooking for 2 hours just to eat for 10 minutes is the biggest scam in the world.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

   Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   Shout-out to everyone lying in bed just scrolling on their phone.

   Ever spent money so quickly that you felt like somebody stole it?

   Dear Facebook, stop asking me what's on my mind. We both know it's against community standards.

   Everyone needs a sarcastic, smart mouth friend. I am so happy to be of service to you all!

   Marriage tip: When you're in an argument with your wife, just use the phrase "I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong." This will help her realize that you are always correct.

   Marriage tip: If your wife asks you if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym like she ran her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Marriage tip: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   Just once in my life, I'd actually like to see a liar's pants catch on fire.

   The biggest mistake people make in a relationship is giving their heart to someone who needs a brain.

   Remember when we used to do prank calls growing up? Now those spam calls are karma getting us back.

   What do I like most about my job? Payday, breaks and leaving.

   Told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here. You just won't see me.