Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.

   You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

   Foreign aid, taking money from poor people of a rich country and giving it to the rich people of a poor country.

   Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.

   Some girls will claim “he’s my world,” but that’s your fourth “world” this month. Are you building a solar system?

   Life isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s a fight, a test.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   We thought that our ability for compassion made us human. Turns out, it was our ability to select each image containing a boat.

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?

   My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   Twitter files released. MSM: “What files? ~ Space Man Bad”

   Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.

   I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?

   When she’s using her man’s phone to check the weather and wind blows her into his inbox.

   Nurse: You may not feel anything from the waist down. Him: Just tits then?

   Someone living in their grandmother’s basement used to be the butt of the joke. The rental market is so insane that now it’s like, dam, you’ve got a whole basement to yourself, that’s sexy.

   They say I have a preoccupation with revenge. We’ll just see about that.

   Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home, they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.