Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.

   Trump 2024

   “Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?” Asks new White House reporter Ronald Crump.

   You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone

   Magic Johnson wasted the world's best porn name on a basketball career

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

   well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.

   OK. Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody"?

   "Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." ~ Winston Churchill

   Disappointment is coming home to the smell of fresh bake cookies and finding out it's just a scented candel.

   When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.

   The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued. Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.