Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937 With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch

   Shout out to all my homebodies.

   Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger

   Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

   A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the sh*t is placed.

   The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

   My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

   [Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for her birthday! The Hoover sure works great now.

   Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

   I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card. Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

   It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

   Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better. Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

   I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

   Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

   The Feds have been stockpiling baby formula at the southern border for months. More proof who gets priority and who does not.

   It’s gonna be hilarious when the people who thought that Biden was going to forgive their student loans realize that he gave them a tax increase instead.

   If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.