Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

   My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he's been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

   Just because I've forgiven you doesn't mean I won't want to throat punch you the next time I see you. Thought you should know.

   The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

   "I'm so hungry I could eat a-" *walks by burger joint* "nope, had one yesterday" *walks by hot dog stand* "closer" *walks by stable* "HORSE"

   Imagine letting your crush copy your assignment and then she gets a 3 out of 100%. After how long wil you be able to propose to her?

   I love my robotic vacuum cleaner that saves so much time and effort!...as long as I don't have to spend like an hour looking for it under furniture or in corners or wherever it got stuck and died.

   From 10 to 250 and RISING.

   People who make their cars come to a complete halt on top of a railroad tracks to look both ways to see if a train is coming need to stop!....I mean go!

   How can there be a Facebookers Anonymous group on Facebook?

   I read Marie Kondo's book about tidying up...now I'm getting a divorce

   I was yelled at by a Delta flight attendant for asking if I could change my seat away from a crying baby. Okay so the crying baby was mine.

   Remember on 'The Wire' when the drug dealers in Hamsterdam were like, "Got that pandemic!"? HBO should do a 'Where are they Now?' episode...

   If someone offers you cash from a van and tells you it’s your stimulus check, you can take it, but just know it’s not the type of stimulus check you think it is.

   Now that Hugh Hefner has passed away, do the bunnies get the house?

   If you're pausing for dramatic effect.... just keep it going

   I survived the polar vortex like some kind of post apocalyptic warrior.

   Digital world explained simply. Earlier -First thing in the morning - Toothpaste. Now -First thing in the morning - Copy Paste.

   Don't feel bad if no one talks to you on social media sites as all we could do is type.

   Yeah, I've always heard of it, and the young and old, but the fact is that we have to be awake for a few days ago by the end of the season.