Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!” This day is looking better already!

   I think my song is "Let It Go" because whenever I mention love, they sing it.

   Watching the hilights of the rockets yesterday and it looked like Harden had his talent stole by the Monstars #spacejam3

   Going viral? That's a GOOD thing now? Where was this internet thing when I was going viral in 80s

   Grading system for students in India: A - Average B - Below average C - Can't have dinner D - Don't come home F - Find a new family

   Have I ever been in a stable relationship? I’m not into livestock, you sick twist. What’s wrong with you? Why did your mind even go there?

   I should have been more careful then making my New Year's resolution to hang out with more than two of my Facebook friends in 2020

   The only thing shocking about people on the red carpet now is when they touch something metal

   I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room

   Every fad becomes a punchline. We build things up jus to knock them down.

   My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?

   I can't believe I'm still having nightmares about Sharknado.

   gettin extra faded in honor of mini me

   So, now that Conor no longer has a place in boxing and in the octagon, I heard WWE is hiring.

   almost annoyed by the fact that Pablo Escobar spent most of his life tucking in his shirt but he’s only remembered for selling drugs.

   I'm so old that my family tree starts with me.

   KFC has teamed up with scientists in the U.K. to create edible coffee cups made with cookies and wrapped in sugar. It's perfect if you've ever wanted to wake up and give up at the same time.

   I wish some of my childhood friends who Iv lost contact with could somehow find me as I think I'm still 'it' from a game of hide-n-seek.

   Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you're eating you can't get crumbs in your bra. Turtleneck con: see above.

   tinder but it’s cats. everyone makes their cat a profile. the swiping doesn’t matter. you just. Look at cats and their interests and then look at MORE CATS