Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The cat puked under my bed. Cleanup efforts only made it worse. It's time to renew our commitment to developing alternative sources of cute.

   Nothing says 'neighbours' quite like stealing each others WiFi

   Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

   Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

   My brain is a bad influence on me

   “you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

   What if I told you everything you see on Facebook is me.

   My favorite part about switching back to standard time is getting to relive the last hour of my life. A real live 'do-over'

   Anyone not doing anything except looking at Facebook, or not doing anything because you're looking at Facebook, want to hang out?

   She said she loves me but her PMS just showed up today

   When science realized they mistakenly agreed to take my body they offered to pay my cryogenics bill indefinitely.

   brb getting down to business to defeat the Huns

   The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird

   Where did the word "etymology" come from?

   When they shoot scenes w stagecoaches in Westerns, I bet the horses think "Hey wtf? We're not supposed to have to do this sheet anymore"

   I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude's grasp on the English language was, like... twelveuous.

   It's with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all! My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y'all or him. So, I'm gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber ..

   Throw away an avocado skin? In this economy? *makes avocado skin suits. *sells them on Etsy.

   Not having a sexx life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

   Those who ignore my posts... may your crush fall in love with your best friend