Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Мило плюну в душу, нагло улыбнусь.

   In a thousand or so years, archaeologists are going to dig up tanning beds and think we cooked people as punishment.

   Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!

   Getting old is tricky. I stepped on a golf ball in the dark and I did some parkour trying not to fall down.

   I asked to 2024's manager today, it was 2021

   I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

   Last night I had some wine, and whenever I do, I get sad over something. I got sad for all the poor strawberries who heard "Strawberry Preserves" and thought they were safe.🍓

   The Tick Tock clock is ticking.

   a monkey

   I worked out with a dumbell yesterday I FEEL VIGOROUS

   2nd birthday, fun, energetic

   Girlfriend is a slut

   my name jeff

   If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

   instagram caption about jisoo

   Just watched a documentary on the history of Laxatives.. I'll admit, it was very moving.

   .rehtafdnarg sih fo serutcip edun ot ffo gnikrej morf kcab si toggaf efil on ,nwod sbmuht ehT !kool ,hO

   Easter

   In a reel-ationship