Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog? Me: No, he's my biological dog.

   It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

   Regarding the recent helicopter/airplane crash, I submit to you this: Flying is for the birds.

   He doesn't know how to drive. He doesn't know how to pump gas. He doesn't know how to buy groceries. He doesn't know how to use a computer. He's lived in a gold, chauffeured bubble his entire life. So many of you think he's great LMFAO

   "I miss my wing man".

   US military enrolment had plummeted the last three years with Biden because no one wantef to join while he was in office 🤣

   Dating right now, is like trusting a public defender.

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   I don't get how people afford life without a job??? I can't even afford it with a job.

   TOD Trump Obsessive Disorder. It's real.

   You can now accurately weigh your luggage with a smartphone. Simply put your phone on a scale with your luggage, then deduct the weight of the phone.

   Oh, look. Some little man discovered a translate app.

   Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

   After 40 years of marriage will gay guys call their spouse the old balls and chain?

   Q. What as 8 legs, bites, and lives in your butthole? A. A Brown Recluse spider.

   I am now challenging 3 million Facebook users too send me a 1.00 cashapp $MgTimTim

   I'm not a geologist so don't take me for granite.

   My high school math teacher died today. Feeling depressed, I never got to tell him he was wrong. I never used algebra, asshole!

   If you talk about others it's gossiping. If you talk about yourself it's called bragging. I guess there's still the weather !

   Fun fact... The pool on the Titanic still has water in it.