Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook keeps notifying me about people's birthdays like I bake cakes or something.

   On the bright side, at least Canada & Greenland will know when the country of idiots plan to invade them 🤣

   That Mexican Navy ship that crashed into the Brooklyn Bridge? That's what they get for shorting me a Soft Taco Supreme that time at Taco Bell.

   Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.

   I tried to find powdered eggs for a camping trip. None to be found anywhere. I found out powdered chickens are on strike.

   Sometimes, I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked 'wonderful tonight', or if it was the 15th outfit she tried on and he just wanted to get to the party and get a drink. 🤔🎸😂

   August is almost over. Tomorrow is September 1st. Time to pick out a Halloween costume and start your Christmas shopping. Happy New Year, everybody.

   Social Media. The place where imbeciles say they're imbeciles without actually saying they're imbeciles.

   Flooding in the Carolinas is God's wrath on New York/New Jersey transplants for thinking they can assimilate with hillbillies.

   If you unfriend me and then later decide to send me another friend request, there will be a $29.99 reconnection fee.

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that! What are they?"

   I'm not a magician. But I once turned a back rub into a kid and a mortgage.

   Concept plan

   Black Friday special!!! Stay at home and save 100%.

   They say it's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?

   actually don’t have any problems, I only go therapy to brag

   When you die people cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do, there's the running and the screaming.