Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just found out I have 100% body fat. That means I'm basically a can of Crisco. 😛

   Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from all women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

   I just saw my shadow. That means six more weeks of salads. 🥗

   There's a group of all laughing about how tacky and ridiculous the Oval Office looks now. Look it up. It looks like a Spencer's Gifts. No surprise here though - it is the office to the tackiest, most ridiculous goof on the planet.

   A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: - Jane ate her friend's sandwich. - Jane ate her friend's colon.

   Guys, if the relationship fails, don't blame her only. It takes 2 people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   Oh, so you're preparing turkey again for Christmas? Twice in one month. Kudos to you. I'm overwhelmed by your imagination.

   USPS tracking: 1. We’re not sure it exists yet 2. It’s arrived.

   Uh, Canada made the offer, you ignorant dolt.

   I hate Niqqerz

   LOVED Kid Rock's suit! Ordered one for Halloween. Going as trans drag queen whose wanted gender reassignment surgery but keep getting turned down because I'm already missing testicles and my junk is so minuscule it could be inverted by a greasy Q-Tip 📏

   The JD intends to restore the gun rights of Mel Gibson, a personal friend of Dump, after he lost them due to a domestic violence conviction. Turns out not all Dump's friends are r*pists Some are just wife-beaters.

   He doesn't know what his is doing. He's a conman and the jig is up.

   "When you ran out the healthy arms, you ran out of really healthy they had great arms but they ran out. It’s called sports. It’s called baseball in particular and pitchers I guess you could say, really particular." The Absolute Ret*rd Apr 07, 2025

   !ffo ssip dna rovaf a lla su oD: ereh no elpoep eht flah morf uoy rof egassem a tog I ,stnemmoc tnarongi gnikam dna ereh no gnimoc speek ohw nosrep eht oT

   I have a pervert for a Dentist.....I mentioned to him that "I'd rather get pregnant than have a tooth filled !" My Dentist replied, "Decide now so I can adjust the chair accordingly

   Today I roasted a chicken. He pretended to laugh but I think I actually rattled him a little bit.

   BREAKING NEWS! The 47th President hasn't been able to get it up since 2004.

   It's so funny watching all these Teslas get vandalized. This is the best television in years. Can't wait until the riots !

   I got into a debate with a Flat Earther today . He said he would walk to the edge to prove he's right.... I told him he'd come around eventually.