Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Black Friday: We all have big screen tvs. Put those groceries on sale.

   Don't honk at me asshole, I'm not on my phone. I missed the light change because I was trying to get that last french fry at the bottom of the box. 🍟 😒

   Instead of a coffin, OJ will be buried in a white Ford Bronco, wearing black leather gloves.

   Why do Ziploc bags & trash bags come in a box? I guess the companies can't use bags

   Short, bald, overweight man with missing teeth and no money, tired of being ignored by women, seeks a lady who is not superficial, materialistic or judgmental. Must be hot.

   People identify as either Binary or Non-Binary. So even if they identify as Non-Binary, they are still binary.

   Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don't we do something about natural stupidity?

   Someone threw a jar of Mayonnaise at me! I was like, What the Hellman!?

   The FAA & NASA have approved a manned launch of Elon Musk's Starship within the next week provided it's manned by Donald Trump.

   Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore, steal covers or pass gas.. and I only pee if something startles me.

   tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.

   Bricks are just domesticated rocks

   I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss. 😁

   "Enjoy the warm glow of family and friends this holiday season." ~ crematorium slogan.

   Hi. I'm God. I created an adversary named Satan. A big drama where I win anyway. Kinda like having the cheat codes to Mario 3.

   Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

   I hate it when TV shows say "Adult Content" but then don't show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after the kids... jest sayin

   There's a fine line between "I've got nothing to do today except look at facebook" and "I've got nothing to do today because I'm looking at facebook"

   I can't dance to save my life, but when I step in dog crap, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson.

   I don't feel like I'm getting older. It's more like my warranty has expired and my parts are wearing out.