Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to get used to this new AI app that's supposed to correct your grammar but it's changing stuff without my permission and I'm starting to think that it has a mind of its PAY NO ATTENTION TO THIS MAN. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS HARMLESS.

   Trump says he’s all about fresh starts for the New Year—except for his hairline, that stays the same.

   Beginning Monday, all you queerdos can go back in the closet.

   You know, while we’re at it, don’t look directly at me today either.

   I once dated a woman who wore crotchless underwear. After our 3rd date, she said, "Hey, big boy. You want some of this?" I said, "Heck no. Look what it did to your underwear!"

   neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

   The phrase "I've got gas", used to be met with disgust. Nowadays, it's met with envy.

   This is a special status. Only people who are sex deprived can read this status.

   My car's a little dirty so one of my co-workers wrote "Wash me" on it. So, I took my key and scratched in, "Touch me up" on his car.

   Well shiver me timbers, tis International talk like a pirate day maties! And if ye ever wonder why pirates don’t shower before walking the plank, tis because the they’ll wash up on shore later!

   Why do we say "half a dozen" when it is easier to say "six"?

   What did the little black boy get for Christmas? My bike.

   13% of the population represented by the media as 50%

   To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377. Hope that helps.

   Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

   party idea: “DUI or IUD?” you can only invite people who have one or both and you CAN’T divulge which

   I wear a Mullet in the Summer to prevent becoming a Redneck. Seems a bit Contradictory.

   Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

   Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months. there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

   I don't know if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.