Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.

   Stressed spelled backwards is desserts . . . . It all makes sense now

   First rule of family gatherings, always bring your own vehicle so you can leave when you want.

   Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

   My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

   My neighbors were up shouting all night. It got so bad I could barely hear my Bagpipes.

   Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Night gets longer. Life gets better. Wait... what? The humidity? Kindly disregard all.

   wondering what the weather's like in India. I think I'll call my bank and find out..🙂

   Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

   OK. Who decided to call it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

   Hey guys, lets confuse the girls..245/35R18

   Look at it this way. Swift can now go back to doing what she does best... indoctrinating little 9 year old girls into becoming future man-haters.

   My new SUV has a button " rear wiper"..I'm afraid to push it.....

   I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

   Procrastination really is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

   First rule of family gatherings: Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave whenever you want.

   It's not Juneteeth. It's Juneteenf.

   My neighbor lady has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face..

   I have an open door policy at our house. You bring beer and I'll open the door.

   I met a woman outside the mall crying, she lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found. When God blesses you must bless others.