Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you'll never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome.

   Where there is smoke..,,, there are Hezbollah operatives. BOOM! #Skyline of Beirut

   I don’t have a status today, I have a concept of a status though

   Remember when times were precedented.

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas play

   The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

   Doggie Heaven and Squirrel Hell are the same place.

   Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

   It's amazing how Facebook can spot a fake post but can't spot a fake profile.

   Look at that, one day into office and Trump ended Global Warming

   If I can make at least one person smile, pee their pants a little or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted!

   If you have to pay a celebrity millions to hawk your product, your product must suck.

   I have CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!

   Inflation is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.

   Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

   Welcome to your 60s - you now think every car has its brights on.

   Presidents’ Day is canceled until we find one

   I learned that just because you wake up naked in your back yard after a full moon and don't remember anything it doesn't mean you're a werewolf!

   I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

   Listen, baby, I can deal with the herpes, the gluten intolerance, and the irritable bowel syndrome. But I will not date someone who listens to music through their phone's speaker.