Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair. Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.

   Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.

   the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

   The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

   Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

   16 and pregnant was supposed to scare you hoes not inspire you

   Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!! Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.

   I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

   My bank account is a pit stop where money comes to hold its breath before proceeding to where it was destined for.

   If women are always right,why do they always picking wrong men?

   My wife just told me that I need to grow up. I was speechless, but it is kinda hard to talk with 45 Gummie Bears in your mouth.

   In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

   You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.

   When will the Death Star be completed by our Space Force program?

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.