Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.

   Now that the absurdity of voting for American Idol is now over, let's focus on the absurdity of voting for an American president.

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.

   A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

   What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.

   To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.

   * Me with the Dr. they assigned me in my new HMO... Doctor: Ted, you're dying...... ME: My name's not Ted.... Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.

   I don't need fun to have alcohol.

   I didn't come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.

   My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don't want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"

   Rest in peace Mr. Nimoy! You'll be missed =(

   Guess I guess I should get out of bed this morning, this world isn't going to dissapoint itself.

   somehow,the NFL must find itself wishing Richie Incognito was still it's worse bully.

   FYI: Apple's app store had an app called "I Am Rich." It cost $999.99, did absolutely nothing, and 8 people bought it.

   I was in the middle of a selfie and my mother walked in, now all she can say is "don't worry son everyone's doing that."

   I wonder how many awkward first dates Instagram filters have caused.

   The great thing about waking up to 3 feet of snow is it gives me a legit excuse to skip my usual 5:30am 20K run.

   The voices in my head asked about you.

   The most interesting thing about me is my lack of interest.

   50 cents files for bankruptcy. That's all he had to his name