Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What one person receives without working for .... another person must work for without receiving

   I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart

   How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?

   California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.

   I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he's really in trouble.”

   The only man in history to be called a jackass by the president of The United States is Kanye West

   If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying

   I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.

   The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it's Science

   I just tried drowning a spider with my Rockstar energy drink and now he's wearing a neon green tank top and bench pressing my remote.

   I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.

   Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.

   You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor.

   Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.

   Relationship status: my cat won't sit still for our selfies.

   Just seen a picture of Rihanna fully dressed. Man these hackers don't sleep.

   You should never judge a person by how clean the inside of their microwave is.

   You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.

   K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.

   The awkward moment where you predict the end of the world, and nothing happens.