Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

   Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.

   We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.

   The American Music Awards are so predictable... I didn't win a single award again this year...

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

   Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards

   I guess it's time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day.

   Now that I've maxed out my 401k for the year, I'll get a tattoo, said no one ever.

   If you are so sensitive that I can't joke around without risking offending you and I have to watch every word I say, in case you might misinterpret it, then we can't be friends.

   4 years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times

   If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, will Brian Williams still claim he chopped it down?

   THE GENIUS OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME - Your child is Now standing at the bus stop in the dark, and goes to bed while it's still light outside.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know

   It's so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you're just playing.

   I just read that Kim K is taking some "time off work be with her daughter" but she doesn't have a job so now I'm confused

   Preferred Forms of Contact (In Order): 1) Email 2) Text 3) Social Media 4) Group Message 5) entering My Shower in a "Scream" Mask 6) Phone

   Looks like Andrew Jackson's been tossed to the back of the bus.

   Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can't change a tire for sh*t.

   Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

   It’s so nice outside, I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.