Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

   ‪I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison. ‬

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   Everyone romaine calm and lettuce pray.

   I like being invited to things, it’s the showing up that bothers me.

   Why is it I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while bears get to use Charmin?

   "Thank-you Robert Kraft and R. Kelly!" - Jussie Smollett

   Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

   I'm no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   Single white sock seeks same.

   I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don't own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

   As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

   The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

   The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

   I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

   So it's not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that's driving an armored truck. I know that now.

   Dear Science, You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama. That is all. Send.

   How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data

   I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long..