Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.

   Ever notice that one buddy that always seems to tell others to "take one for the team" has in fact never taken one for the team?

   Dear Hotel Decorator, why do you insist on putting the coffee maker next to the toilet?

   going to put doves in his coat in case he gets mugged, gotta keep things interesting...

   You know that look women get right before they want to have sex? Me neither.

   On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh!t" and "syphilis."

   Sarcasm is the bodys defense to stupid people!

   I see myself as one day being an old man in an assisted living facility crushing my pill cups with my bare hands to impress the nurses.

   Has it occurred to ANYONE that if you can organize that many people to protest, you can organize that many people to clean up you community and get rid of the criminal element causing the problem? Where's that rally?

   Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're just a wet paper towel on a stick .

   Hey, If American women are outraged at a presidential candidate's use of Naughty words .... Who the heck bought those ... 80 MILLION COPIES OF 50 SHADES OF GREY????

   If your boyfriend remembers your eye colour after the first date, then you probably have small B**Bs

   It must be awkward when GPS tells gay people to go straight

   To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

   it's so quiet at Hillary Clinton's campaign HQ you can almost hear an email getting deleted 😂

   "Oh, so that's what they meant by Silent Majority!" -------- Hillary Clinton

   Martin L King ... Looted nothing, Burned nothing, Attacked .... NO ONE ....... Yet ... CHANGED THE WORLD. Time for people to wake up ..... It's the mind ... Not the emotions that holds the power.

   The Constitution is Good

   Flat screens are nice and all, but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.