Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your dependence on oxygen is where our similarities end...

   My check engine light is on. Someone needs to service me.

   Happy Cinco De Drinko

   sitting upon his mighty throne, looking over his kingdom, and wearing his crown on a trobled brow. Could some one paaaaleeeeeease bring me some toilet paper.

   The best way to make an old car run better is to look at the price of a new one.

   having a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

   wants to find the just released Winnie the Pooh cookbook. Doesn't matter that he doesn't cook, he just wants to own a book called "Cooking with Pooh".

   thinks work is becoming a nice little break from Facebook.

   Now on two diets...because I was still hungry after just one.

   Joran van der Sloot arrested for murder? Wow! If only there were warning signs.

   Whenever I feel unproductive and unaccomplished, I have to remind myself that "Windows 7 was my idea." That always lifts me up a little.

   wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

   it true when the Pillsbury Dough boy bends over you see doughnuts??

   Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

   trying to get a grip on reality, but the gravity of the situation hit me like a falling brick. It broke my hold, so now I can't get back. I guess I'm stuck in this fantasy world for a while.

   Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today,may burn your a*s tomorrow.

   not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

   It is difficult to be stupid... competition is huge...

   I'm ok with my masculinity, enough to eat a Blow Pop in public. But I won't swallow the gum.

   Save your breath...no one wants to smell it.