Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone knows that one "special" person who's so well rounded they're pointless"

   If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?

   Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?

   Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.

   The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.

   If you date both men & women and still can't get into a relationship are you technically bi-yourself?

   Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

   me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"

   I bought some new "London Bridge Jeans" They keep falling down.

   Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends and Caller ID to avoid the first two things.

   Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing.

   what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

   Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it* Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

   Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

   My phone: 58%. My husband’s phone: 7%. Me: Honey, I need your charger.

   The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

   Me: (In the shower) Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?

   I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.