Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So much sh!t comes out your mouth that your a$$ is jealous

   Why does war exist, why do we hate, and who keeps making these Martin Lawrence movies? Big Mommas House 3? Three? WTF

   a really bad case of the fuckits today!

   not all men are fools, some are bachelors

   I'm not Bipolar-I don't even like bears

   4 things you can't recover: The stone..after the throw. The word..after it's said. The occasion..after it's missed. The time..after it's gone.

   My body is not my temple... It's more like a bar and grill...

   just realized that Twilight is about Bella's dilemma between bestiality and necrophilia.

   A good friend will take you to the hospital if you fall into a coma. A great friend will draw a mustache on you on the way.

   suggests that you do the following: go to google, type "google wont" and then click "I'm feeling lucky"

   Since July 2008, three of the four Golden Girls have died. That leaves only one: Betty White -beloved entertainer or calculated killer?

   Bad news: I burned my finger on the toaster. Good news: 1 down, 9 stupid incriminating fingerprints to go.

   I have come to the conclusion that the dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   Some people are as useless as the second window at McDonald's.

   I guess taking pics of your food has finally replaced taking your pic in the bathroom mirror? Great, now I get to see that you can't cook OR clean...

   LIKE IF you sign on to Facebook chat & have instantly signed off upon noticing someone online.

   I tried to kill a spider with hairspray. It's still alive but it's hair looks FABULOOOUS

   My wife is taking my kids to go see the nut cracker this weekend. Of course I'm talking about my mother in law not the show.

   Did you know if you watch Twilight backwards, it's still sh!t?

   Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.