Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am just one step away from being very rich. All I need now is a lot of Money!

   My dog and I have the best conversations when I'm drunk.

   Keeping the list of naughty girls all to yourself? Well played Santa.

   auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.........

   all warm in my snuggie, well its really my bathrobe on backwards, but wtf

   if this toaster thinks setting 3 is "burn to a crisp and light on fire", I don't even want to know what setting 6 does.

   A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is… “Don't put that on Facebook!”

   Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence.

   Whenever a man wants to prove to me that he's tough, I make him fry bacon without a shirt on.

   always learn from mistakes of others who took your advice

   I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.

   Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.

   Has science explained why you have to walk around the house when on the phone?

   I dream about naps.

   They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

   A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.

   A new game show for parents with newly born babies: So You Think You Can Sleep.

   Fact: A 3 year old can hear a candy wrapper being opened from up to 300 miles away.

   Young lady, I'm old enough to be your dad's creepy high school friend with a pony tail who never married and works at the skating rink.

   Memo to self: A Home DNA Testing kit is not a good shower gift.