Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The night before a day off is more satisfying than the actual day off

   Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"

   Now it's too hot out to take the Christmas lights down.

   My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.

   I love coffee, but if someone with a British accent offers me crumpets and tea, l would totally cheat.

   I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.

   "Who let the dogs out?" - [Pavlov getting annoyed]

   I’m going to write a modern Christmas song called “baby is cold outside” it’s the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat

   I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”

   I had this crazy nightmare where I actually enjoyed my job. Thank God I woke up before my boss walked in.

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.

   At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

   I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

   I miss the good ol' days, when no one had a clue what 'gluten' was.

   I do all my own stunts but not intentionally.

   Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

   ‘Was that really necessary?’ ~slapped newborns

   Banks need to do a better job filling their ATM's. 3rd one in a row that's saying "Insufficient Funds"

   Fear is contagious...so is Hope.