Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those who ignore my posts... may your crush fall in love with your best friend

   gettin extra faded in honor of mini me

   So, now that Conor no longer has a place in boxing and in the octagon, I heard WWE is hiring.

   The only thing shocking about people on the red carpet now is when they touch something metal

   I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room

   Every fad becomes a punchline. We build things up jus to knock them down.

   My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?

   I can't believe I'm still having nightmares about Sharknado.

   I think my song is "Let It Go" because whenever I mention love, they sing it.

   Watching the hilights of the rockets yesterday and it looked like Harden had his talent stole by the Monstars #spacejam3

   My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!” This day is looking better already!

   People who make their cars come to a complete halt on top of a railroad tracks to look both ways to see if a train is coming need to stop!....I mean go!

   How can there be a Facebookers Anonymous group on Facebook?

   I'm so old that my family tree starts with me.

   KFC has teamed up with scientists in the U.K. to create edible coffee cups made with cookies and wrapped in sugar. It's perfect if you've ever wanted to wake up and give up at the same time.

   I wish some of my childhood friends who Iv lost contact with could somehow find me as I think I'm still 'it' from a game of hide-n-seek.

   Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you're eating you can't get crumbs in your bra. Turtleneck con: see above.

   tinder but it’s cats. everyone makes their cat a profile. the swiping doesn’t matter. you just. Look at cats and their interests and then look at MORE CATS

   Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

   My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he's been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.