Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

   son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip me: I can do it son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

   Boss: I've received complaints about your AA meetings Me: too boring, right? Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

   me: i’m sad about this thing therapist: but it’s not about that thing me: ok thx here’s $175

   What the person on the street corner approaching me w a pamphlet doesn't understand is I want the world to end

   The cat puked under my bed. Cleanup efforts only made it worse. It's time to renew our commitment to developing alternative sources of cute.

   Nothing says 'neighbours' quite like stealing each others WiFi

   Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

   Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

   My brain is a bad influence on me

   “you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

   What if I told you everything you see on Facebook is me.

   Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I get it women. Great, now I'm crying.

   Tweets are expanding to 280 characters and now I am looking for someone to write a forward for my soon-to-be-published tweet.

   Where can I go now to get a good vodka, steak and mortgage?

   You millenials have it so good --- we could only like 6 songs max and had to carve their names in a rock

   Deja boo - the feeling that you've been afraid of this before.

   Chameleon cashiers give the best change

   I'm already a mess. I just need to add some hot to it.

   Drinking with your significant other is always a fun time so please respect our privacy at this crucial time.