Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my name jeff

   If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

   instagram caption about jisoo

   Just watched a documentary on the history of Laxatives.. I'll admit, it was very moving.

   .rehtafdnarg sih fo serutcip edun ot ffo gnikrej morf kcab si toggaf efil on ,nwod sbmuht ehT !kool ,hO

   Easter

   In a reel-ationship

   It's official...my childhood punishments are now my adult goals! Going to bed early, forced to stay inside, naps, and eating healthy!

   Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

   I'm cool...like the sweat from a snowman.

   RIP Barbara Walters. Beaver Cleaver's TV mom died. Eddie, Whitey, and Lumpy must be devastated.

   I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

   High On Life 2

   The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

   Padhai nahi ho rahi, kyunki mere bed ka gravitational pull kitni strong hai, ye mere books bhi confirm kar chuki hain

   For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

   My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

   Hey Lay's Potato Chips, you forgot to list "air" under the ingredients... thanks for nothing!

   People say that laughter is the best medicine…your face must be curing the world!

   I'm seeking scientific study assistants and participants to publish a study called "The Perfect Orgasm" - Pay is $20 per session