Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to grasp you around you head and blow you. Dandelions are so much fun

   If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

   A man and his wife went to Israel and decided to pick a boat to see the beauty of the river Jordan. When the man asked the boatman how much it will cost them, he said $500. The man shouted, "No wonder Jesus decided to walk on the sea."

   Meet hook the roofie

   Blunt

   Ive never seen a Dragon with fruit on it... I think its a scam by" big fruit " to get more $$$

   I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I remember when this was all farmland.

   Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog? Me: No, he's my biological dog.

   It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

   Regarding the recent helicopter/airplane crash, I submit to you this: Flying is for the birds.

   He doesn't know how to drive. He doesn't know how to pump gas. He doesn't know how to buy groceries. He doesn't know how to use a computer. He's lived in a gold, chauffeured bubble his entire life. So many of you think he's great LMFAO

   "I miss my wing man".

   US military enrolment had plummeted the last three years with Biden because no one wantef to join while he was in office 🤣

   Dating right now, is like trusting a public defender.

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   I don't get how people afford life without a job??? I can't even afford it with a job.

   TOD Trump Obsessive Disorder. It's real.

   You can now accurately weigh your luggage with a smartphone. Simply put your phone on a scale with your luggage, then deduct the weight of the phone.

   Oh, look. Some little man discovered a translate app.

   Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?