Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Be sure to remind your wife to have all the cleaning and laundry done by this evening so she can enjoy her special day.

   It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

   So...why does Dairy Queen feel the need to turn my Blizzard upside down after all these years? I get it. You can stop doing it now.

   Air Poland is now Air Jetski.

   Playing "Real Boxing" on my IPad makes me feel like much more of a badass than I actually am.

   If you beat up homeless people they can go to the hospital where they will have a warm bed and good food.

   Even to this very day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.

   I changed my mind. F*ck Trump.

   I can't believe all the Me×icans who are taking Amer¡can jobs. Amer¡can jobs previously held by 16 year olds.

   PS. Saying it your face and doing it in person is the same thing, you redundant asshole.

   I'm not giving you the middle finger; I'm showing half of a peace sign.

   If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.

   Travis Kelce is going to have to sign a prenup that is longer than any book he's ever read!!

   My ex's smile is like an email from grandma: all caps.

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   The USA holds the cards, Canucksters.

   Yoda: You're going to need more than just a glass of water to wash away all your ignorance. In fact, you're going to need a whole ocean to wash away the crap you're so full of.

   Pickleball. As if tennis wasn't g@y enough already.

   I burned 1000 calories avoiding someone I know at Walmar

   You could have done so much better than him.” Me: Mom, hello I'm right here..