Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alright we got Christmas presents out the way where my W2 at

   Taylor Swift on the News Again: “Breaking: Taylor Swift announces New Year’s resolution to release 12 albums in 2025. Swifties are now legally required to take out Taylor-themed mortgages.

   TDSmania has TOD. Trump Obsessive Disorder. And every time he reads something bad about him, his masturbation fantasies are interrupted hahahahaha

   Left 1st husband, cheated on 2nd, married member of Journey, broke into band's bank account - embezzled hundreds of thousands after committing fraud and running Ponzi scheme. Now leads the White House Faith Office. LOL. Another M*G* Wh*re.

   It's a good thing we still have 26 million acres of leases that haven't been tapped yet.

   I’m really glad we don’t have to hunt our own food anymore…. I don’t even know where sandwiches live.

   Marriage tip: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   I couldn't get a reservation at my local library. They were booked!!!

   Wonders if it was Cliff and Claire Huxtable, who TF were The Cosby's?

   Knick-knack patty-whack

   Not to brag, but I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the year.

   Remember when we had to smack the TV because it wasn't working right? I feel that way about some people.

   Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.

   n't it funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you?

   M*G* children always look inbred. I'm not trying to insult y'all. I'm just bringing up a point. Their eyes, they're always a little too far apart. And they always have this look on their face. Like they're being touched at night or something.

   We really are loving these stories of people who voted for him, who lost their jobs. And they go on the news, and they cry about it and they worry about their families. This, has been our favourite thing to watch. It personally gives me a raging hard-on.

   Imagine telling Denmark they "don't do enough" for people in Greenland, when BOTH countries HAVE universal healthcare AND YOURS DOESN'T 😂

   Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, Please do not go in that bathroom.

   The War on Drugs only resulted in more drugs. The War on Terrorists only resulted in more terrorists. Maybe we should have a war on Baby Formula.

   Rockville: A butt load of 3rd rate bands that would have never attained the low level of success they've achieved if it weren't for the internet.