Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong", do not under any, I mean any circumstances do it.

   Marriage tip: Anytime you tell your wife to do something, use your Male-dominated voice and finish it by saying "I HAVE SPOKEN!!!" She will then realize that you are always right, and she will go do what you asked her to do.

   I grilled a chicken for two hours, but I couldn't get it to sing.

   Dem women are disgusting.

   Ford is moving four factories back to the USA opening up 25,000 jobs. But please, keep telling me tariffs don't work.

   Oops! Mommy's little darling is up and at it. By up and at it, I mean doing daddy in the shower. His name is Barron.

   It's still hard to believe that this is all self-imposed. Everything that's happening right now wasn't the result of some foreign adversary destroying the country. You did this to yourselves by electing the dumbest motherfocker to ever rule a nation 🤡

   I subscribed to Bass Pro Shop's newsletter, but I haven't been able to read it because I don't open fishing emails

   Did you hear the latest ICE joke? It's a riot!!!

   Pee-Wee Herman died. In lieu of flowers, buy a ticket to the adult movie theater

   If you honk at me .025 seconds after the light turns green I'm going to put my vehicle in park, adjust my seat, check my tire pressure, change my oil, return some emails, eat a snack, read a book, brush my teeth, nap, and build a LEGO set.

   Flights from Canada down to the states are down 70% 🤣

   Jeeziz. That fart was so rank, my nose disowned me.

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket and that you're a really good catch!

   I'm pretty much still in control of most of my bodily functions last time I farted, it was almost all gas.

   Math Rock is a term meant to describe music that is complex in rhythmic structure. But in reality, all rock is Math Rock. Some is Calculus, some is Algebra, some is Arithmetic and some is Pre-K Introduction to Numbers.

   Well it looks like Richard Branson is going to win the millionaire space race which is one small step for Richard one giant leap before Jeff Bezos.

   I’m always telling people I’m down for anything when in fact I mean, not after 8 PM, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation and how tired I am

   God made the earth then rested. God made man then rested. God made woman and since then neither God nor man have rested again.

   I'm all for gay rights. I wish Donald Trump and JD Vance the best. Now we wait for the video of Putin joining them for a three-way, recorded by Elon. A four-way circle jerk if you will.