Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Excuse me while I exponentially click like on my posts that I steaI.

   Dad: Congrats! Son: Thanks, pop. I'm sure you're proud of your new grandson. Dad: I meant congrats on you finally getting Iaid.

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer... THEN IT HIT ME.

   "I've made a lot mistakes in my life, but just know you were never one of them" -ME (looking at my triple bacon cheeseburger...extra bacon).

   Probably sitting at home in his mom's basement.

   Meteorologists said Kentucky offices were staffed and issuing alerts ahead of the severe weather in Pulaski and Laurel counties. Gov. Beshear confirmed that in a news conference on Saturday.

   Feeling like I have been eaten by a coyote and pooped off a cliff

   Ciabatta… Italian for stale bread

   Answering your cell phone when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitch-hiker.

   Q. How does a non-binary kill someone? A. They slash Them

   Your military is a joke now. Veterans who received the Purple Heart, now being denied death benefits by a draft dodger lol. At least we take care of our own.

   Remember making up fake rules when there is a substitute teacher?

   I’m not wishing anyone a Happy Thanksgiving, I hope your gravy gives you diarrhea.😜

   God does love gays, but only if they are tops.

   Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?” Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

   I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

   I don't understand how I feel like crap and am sick all the time when I drink 8 glasses of water a year like they tell us to .

   No, there is no indication that the current Kentucky Governor, Andy Beshear, has removed or gotten rid of tornado sirens. In fact, Kentucky emergency officials emphasize that sirens are a vital part of the warning system, particularly for those outside in

   I saw a bumper sticker that said "May life treat you the way you treat your dog" I hope no one puts me on a leash and makes me poop outside.

   Condolences to all the church sanctioned pedophiles, your Pedo king has died .